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Britney Spears Fans: Replace Confederate Statues with Britney! Heal America!

America is in crisis, being torn at the seams by the orange administration’s divisive rhetoric and refusal to acknowledge reality. The Charlottesville Nazi rally represented that conflict with painful clarity. The country needs to resolve these issiues and heal.

Some propose an unorthodox solution for one of those arguments: Britney Spears. Really — people are campaigning for these controversial Confederate monuments to be replaced by statues of Britney Spears

And they actually make a really compelling argument. …

Britney Spears in Her Favorite Dress

Before we get into Britney’s involvement, we should start with why so many statues are coming down and why many more inevitably will.

The controversy over Confederate monuments is simple:

They should not exist.

The Confederacy was an open and violent rebellion against the United States of America, initiated by an unlawful attack against a US military base, Fort Sumpter.

The rebellion was an effort to preserve the vicious institution of slavery that had made many wealthy landowners rich off of the sweat and blood of hundreds of black slaves.

Some try to counter this, but just look at some of the opening lines of the Mississippi Declaration of Secession:

“Our position is thoroughly identified with the institution of slavery — the greatest material interest of the world. Its labor supplies the product which constitutes by far the largest and most important portions of commerce of the earth. These products are peculiar to the climate verging on the tropical regions, and by an imperious law of nature, none but the black race can bear exposure to the tropical sun.”

Britney Spears is a Boss

That’s, you know, super racist. The condensed version in contemporary parlance is just: “White people get sunburn so we’d rather to go war than lose our slaves.”

So, in addition to being traitors against the United States of America, they were also about as racist as you can get.

To most Americans, these monuments represent a dark chapter in America’s history. No one wants to pretend that the Civil War never happened — but it seems perplexing that there are monuments that glorify the bad guys from it.

And to many black Americans, this is an even bigger deal — since, in so many cases, their ancestors were the “property” that Confederate soldiers were fighting to keep.

And there’s the timing of when these monuments were erected.

Most were put up in the 20th century, a full half-century since the end of the Civil War.

Putting up a monument to Robert E. Lee or whoever between 1910 and 1960, during the era of segregation and Jim Crow laws, is a pretty transparent display of White Supremacy.

That those monuments linger is shameful.

Some of them are genuine works of art, and could be repurposed (not all monuments are sculptures are people) or placed in museums (there are Nazi medallions in museums, so it’s fine to keep bad stuff in the proper context).

Many statues are mass-produced pieces of hollow junk, like the Durham statue that collapsed on video.

Britney Spears Gym Selfie

So, how does Britney relate to all of this?

There’s a campaign by Britney’s fans (a group that should include everyone who has ears and a heart) to replace Confederate monuments with statues of Britney.

Not all statues, just very specifically the ones in New Orleans.

The petition is new but already has more than 6,400 signatures, and others have shared the idea on social media.

The petition’s argument is as follows:

“Before becoming one of the world’s most important and influential pop legends, Britney Spears was living life in a small southern town by the name of Kentwood, Louisiana.”

A lot of people forget that.

“Not only has Britney proven her talent, but she’s proven her strength of character by not only overcoming highly publicized mental breakdown, but by continuously working towards improving herself. She’s an inspiration to millions.”

That might sound like this is just a fan wanting to honor their idol, but this campaign comes with receipts:

“While her contributions are too many to list here, below are a few examples of her charitable efforts to give back to her beloved home state:”

Here begins the list:

“In 2006, ‘The Britney Spears Foundation’ raised $585,000 for charity, and donated a large portion of it to Hurricane Katrina relief programs.”

That relief was much-needed, as we all remember.

“Teamed up with Red Cross in 2016 to raise money for Louisiana flood victims. Along with Ellen DeGeneres, donated $250,000 to this relief.”

That’s always important. We don’t need Hurricane Harvey to remind us of how devastating a storm can be.

And Britney hasn’t stopped.

“Currently donating some of her Vegas ticket show sales to Louisiana schools for flood recovery. The money donated will be contributed to a state fund, which will help teachers purchase supplies and materials.”

Britney Spears Looking Hot in Japan

“She’s already earned her star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, and now it’s time for her home state to honor her with the tribute that she deserves.”

That’s … really convincing, actually.

“Do the right thing: Replace the Confederate statues with an actual Louisiana hero and influential human being, Britney Spears”

Just about anything would be better than a monument to some bad guys who lost a war 150 years ago, but Britney statues make a lot of sense.

It seems unlikely that the campaign will succeed, since the world is full of fools, but it’s worth a shot.

Britney heals all ills.

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